Foreword
Starting this entry to log my journals in Mexico. Time is not chronological in this entry. Only interesting pieces are shared with truth told from a journeying artist aiming to create a better world.
I describe myself as “journeying” rather than “nomad”, because each journey came with a purpose and I will always go back to it that anchors me to who I am and what I am supposed to bring in this world. For those who are still nomad out there searching for the purpose and going from place to place, I hope you find your soul purpose soon and anchor yourself in each journey with full awareness of why you are where you are. Having been a nomad for a long time, I am finally settled with myself sharing voices I’ve never heard before that came from me, but also out of me.
I hope you enjoy reading the world I created and find it inspiring to help you carry on this human life with positivity, appreciation, and love.
Entry #1
A restless morning with Mira vomiting and suffering from an upset stomach. I am making rice to help her heal and planning to keep her inside the house to rest. Poor baby having to travel across the country to Mexico with me. She has been through a lot.
When you are on a tropical island, time of activity is limited to sunrise or sunset. Walking under the sun for 5 minutes is a huge burnout of energy, let alone riding 12 minutes one-way to the grocery store and coming back with heavy bags of groceries wavering on the tiny bike handles. Riding for a few grocery runs in the past few days, my body decides to put on a strike with fatigue and headache.
Made myself some porridge, lettuce salad, hot honey water, and a vegetarian sandwich. Now feeling much better after nights of unsound sleep with Mira barking in the middle of the night for random noises.
The bed is not comfortable; the AC blew straight to my face that made me cough at night; bathroom shower is drizzling like a broken faucet…On top of everything, Mira gets sick and there are intermittent thunders from the sky. Everything is chaotic, and I know this is part of the journey. Just need to let that all in and breathe them all out.
I opened the door of the tiny damp sauna-like house and felt the breeze from the sea mixed with winds of the incoming thunderstorm. A perfect combination of the above and the below, lifting my spirit up where I don’t feel my being again.
Then I noticed the construction workers. They are working again, every morning, lifting bricks from the ground to the rooftop of a 2-story house with a rope. They are still working hard on this Saturday, regardless of the hot sun and the incoming thunderstorm. They aim to get the job done despite how endless it seemed to be, lifting one brick after another, with a handmade rope weaved by grass. Me, sitting at my front porch, watching brick lifting and jotting down the hassle of my morning. Noises, of motorcycles, cars, dog barks, and children’s screams, formed my life in Mexico.
My soul chose this journey for my body. My body tried to fight against it with fatigue, complaints, and negative bullshit stories in my mind. Yet they never win when I put myself to sleep and let my spirit wander in the dream. Nighttime is the reality of the soul. Daytime is the dream of the body.
Here passes the homeless dog with a broken tongue dangling by one side of his mouth. Here goes off my phone alarm to remind me that the rice is ready on the stove for Mira. Here comes the bluffed “storm” that turned out to be a few drops of rain that lasted 10 minutes. Soon these will all pass like nothing has happened, except the moments that my soul merged into on this piece of paper, witnessed by hardworking construction workers, a tongue-broken street dog, and the island’s bluffing thunderstorm.
Entry #2
“Your name is silence. Your form is light. Your birthright is happiness. Your nature is love and peace.” — Lal Maharajh
Writing down the last few pages of this journal book to mark another chapter of closure. When things end, find the closure for yourself and move on.
My shadow self always has a melancholic drama to tell that puts me into sadness and the state of loss. What I didn’t see at the edge of the ending is the gain of the new that marks my growth. I’ve outgrown a situation so it came to an end. I am advancing to the next threshold. “Onward.” as Elizabeth Gilbert said in almost every single post on her social media.
We don’t need a mirror to show us what we look like and who we are. We don’t understand ourselves from other people’s judgements. We define who we are and what we need.
People come to our lives to meet us exactly where we are and they reflect us in a given stage of life. Some qualities in ourselves are preferable and accepted, some aren’t. Most of the time, we reject the unfamiliar or uncomfortable parts only to find them repeating over and over again. We can’t reject ourselves. Only acceptance can end the cycle of repetition.
I didn’t know that I was judgmental until my friend pointed out: “It sounds like you liked this person because you are similar in a lot of ways. Have you thought about the possibility that your dissatisfaction against some of this person’s personalities is actually judgments against yourself?” I’ve never thought about it that way. All I can think of was my disappointment around honesty, consistency, and commitment. But I didn’t know that I haven’t embodied those qualities in the first place so why would I ask from another person?
I consider myself as a honest, consistent, and committed person, only to certain people or situations where they are reciprocated. Otherwise, I would mirror what I was given and give the same thing back. I conditioned my own being based on outside influences. I need a honest, consistent, and committed mechanism for myself to be myself in any situations. “Stop mirroring and projecting the outside world. It is very tiring and draining to the soul. No one can be a shapeshifter 24/7.” I told myself. “Be who you are and do things your way. You are the ruler of this world and you have the power to go beyond what you considered was wrong and do things differently.” I wrote down in all caps on my journal but struggled to take action in a different way.
“Your name is silence. Your form is light. Your birthright is happiness. Your nature is love and peace…You are not your body or your mind. Forgiving another is forgiving yourself. ” I like this old man’s sharing of his wisdom. Lal is the Yogi I met on this island practicing and teaching yoga all his life and recently retired to this island in his student’s hotel offering daily yoga classes.
Every time I came to his class, it is a private class made for me because most people come to early 9am class and I can only make it to the 6pm class after work hours. He’d say “Fantastic!” to greet me, light up some incense, offer me mosquito repellent spray, roll out the mat, and start sharing random thoughts that are deep and rich in wisdom from years of experiences as a Yogi.
I came in today after a long day of mood swings and emotional breakdown: “I could not figure out relationships and I cannot face the mirrored self right at my face. Can we do a healing session today, Lal?”
“Of course. We’ll do a different sequence targeting at emotions today.” Lal smiled and looked me in the eyes, “Remember, Fan. You invited everything into this world. What you see in another is what you have asked for yourself. Your subconsciousness is manifesting all the time and it’s just a matter of whether you are aware of it or not.” He continued, “Your breath is the gateway to your soul. When you tune in to your breath, you quiet your mind and your body, and become who you are from the heart. Your heart will always love and accept. Your anger and frustration come from the mind and the body.”
Then we did a nice flow where I made loud sounds as I inhaled and exhaled out of my mouth from a sobbed face after what he shared. He adjusted my postures with the right touch on the critical joints where I was able to come to a head stand, hand stand, and for the first time, the scorpion pose and the full wheel in my yoga practice.
My body became a vessel of acceptance with his help and I could not feel my physical being again in the transience of yoga time. I was set free and elevated beyond my physical being.
“Thank you Lal. It was a nice session and this is exactly what I need.” I thanked him at the end of the class.
“People always come to me for things they already know. I just keep reminding them what they’ve known.” Lal laughed as he walked back to his little thatched house across the yoga studio.
My name is love. My birth right is to practice love. My form is the vessel of love. My nature is the nurturer of love.
Entry #3
“I’m not a survival expert. I never want to be a master. Because a master stops to learn and grow.” —Survival candidate on the show Alone (Netflix)
I never want to be a hassler. Yet sometimes hassling helps you navigate through the system that was designed to hassle you. We are all just hassling through life.
I need to hassle to be a responsible mom for my pup and a master for this life my spirit chose to live in. So here is where I will stand in certain situations of my life: a hassler learning to navigate the botched-up system so I can build a better one for myself and others.
Entry #4
I’ve got the perfect, even, golden tan all over my body. Now I look more like a Bali girl, holding the spirit of truth and integrity.
Yesterday I went to a nearby local beach for a sunset yoga and ended up breaking up a dog fight. I’ve never stopped any fight in my life but all I wanted at that moment was to bring peace into the chaos and save lives. Those two dogs are too beautiful to die due to poorly trained owners. That was my yoga for yesterday.
Something is changing in me and I feel the approaching of my next threshold in life. I am getting a clearer picture of what I want and who I’d like to surround myself with in my life. Time to make some cuts and make room for the new. Giving gratitude for the past for making me stronger and helping me see my boundaries.
This helps me grow in the school of love and relationships, identifying who belongs to what group: friends, sex partners, long-term partners, etc. Some argue that the lines are blurry and things flow in between. I don’t disagree. But among the flowing back and forth, things have to land somewhere. If you have a clear picture of yourself and know what you are looking for, you are quicker and easier in making a decision to help the landing without wasting time figuring things (yourself) out. But most of us spend a lot of time juggling through confusion and repetition.
What do I need and want at this moment from this person? The body would take anyone that satisfies its desire, but the soul wants a true match. Someone who is the other half. A mirror that shows the best version of oneself as well as the bad part. The part in you that you are unfamiliar with. You have the option to accept or reject it, but eventually it belongs to you. Rejection only ends up in repetition unless it is fully accepted.
So here is the paradox about self awareness. You are left with no choice but to accept everything in so you can move on to the next lesson to be learned. But why does it take so long for me to reach that threshold when it comes to relationships? Why do I take longer to know about myself and my needs? Why do I have to go through the ups and downs before each growth?
Because I am an old soul living in a new human body. I’m learning to be human and how to love like a human.
Entry #5
Day four on the beautiful island of Isla Mujeres. My body starts to adapt to the heat with fatigue and muscle pain. My period came out of nowhere and I have no appetite with a bad stomachache. I need solid rest and cool air. Mira growled and barked at random street noise every night at 3am. I kept her by my bed hoping that she would feel safer. Her body is probably worn out from the traveling just like I do. Endless journeys, all lead to somewhere mysterious and exciting.
I dreamed that I became a mother last night. I gave birth to a baby and saw milk coming out of my breast. My whole family surrounded me when I was feeding the baby in my arms. Yet the father of my baby was not present. I was a single mom.
I was not sad in my dream and on the contrary, I was strong. I kept holding the baby and watching it fall asleep. “It’s okay my baby. Mommy is going to take good care of you.” I talked to myself in my dream.
I could not help but wondering the meaning behind the dream when I woke up. Despite all my logical questioning, I adored the feeling of being a mother. A lucid touch of my deepest desire that I know is always there: being the source and nurturer of life. It is absolutely beautiful and I got all my family’s support, including my divorced parents. When a new life was born, it brought together a broken family and healed the pains.
It was a lovely dream. Perhaps it was telling me that I would be a mother in the future. Perhaps it was showing me that I could manifest anything into my life regardless of another. Perhaps it was confirming that I am the mother of my world and I did a good job taking care of my baby.
Entry #6
A peaceful Sunday morning on my kitchen counter after breakfast. I am running out of drinkable water, which requires a 10-minute bike ride filled with sweat and heat to the grocery store so I can stay hydrated. Glad that I’ve got the AC at home and a bike for my mission. Nothing to complain, just sitting in the presence and being thankful for what has been offered.
Biked to downtown last night by myself with my pretty jumpsuit on and a delicate makeup. Ate at a nice vegetarian restaurant and enjoyed amazing Latin American music at a bar. Met two young guys from Texas sitting next to me drinking and chatting about how they ended up in this island. They did not know each other but somehow ended up in the same corner of the bar knowing that they were all from Texas. Texas is close to Mexico so I am not surprised to find many people from there on this island.
Then one of the guys taught me how to dance and led me to his little dancing world. He was good. I was awkward in my moves but managed to follow his lead. I have never danced with another person before and my body did not want to collaborate that night, yet my spirit had a lot of fun following the rhythm and the beats. The grip of the hands, the look in each other’s eyes, the smile and laugh all mixed perfectly into the humid and steamy night of Isla Mujeres. Jose, was his name of that night, created and sent by my spirit.
Then there was this other guy Taylor, a mommy’s boy running a gym in Australia. He does not dance but is a good drinker, one glass of beer after another, to stay hydrated on a hot summer night. Later his parents joined and ordered two giant plates of nachos and tacos. Texas style. They said that they had been to this island ten times and demanded an “adult-only” beach to get away from the noise of babies and kids. “Well you are a kid too, Taylor. Aren’t ya?” The mother joked, after finishing the last taco on the plate.
I rode my bike back to my home under the moonlight, feeling the wind passing through my face, whispering the sound of untold secrets to my ears. The secret of being alone yet not lonely. The ascension of being part of something bigger. The satisfaction for the union of my body and soul.
Entry #7
When someone faded away from your life, you were given the room for another to come.
Meeting David was the biggest surprise of my trip. This free-spirited man living on a boat came to the island a few weeks ago, only to meet me and Lucy again since our last meetup in Fort Lauderdale three months ago. Not sure if we are following his footsteps or another way around, this trip brought us together again.
This old man is a living folklore of freedom and positivity. I like hearing his stories and chatting with him to absorb years of wisdom and knowledge of life. He is a man with a lovely goofy smile, good jokes, kind heart, and fantastic life stories. “You can free others by freeing yourself first.” He said.
I’ve seen so many liberated souls in my trips that reminded me of who I am. There is no template of how you should live your life. Following a traditional path seems safer and easier, but my soul always want something new, different, and exciting.
“Do you see the world differently now, Fan? Are you in love, with me, with this world we’ve created, with yourself? That’s my gift to you and I want you to own it to the fullest, for a better world and for humanity.” Voices from nowhere made a presence on my journal book like they always do. And as always, I am listening.
Entry #8
It’s going to be my birthday tomorrow and the Universe is sending me miracles one after another.
David and I had a great time getting free drinks at Guru’s Bar last night. The owner of the bar was celebrating her birthday and treating everyone a free drink on the house. Thanks to David’s charm, I got a glass of free mango margarita on the house. Before I left the bar, my bike had a flat tire. I ended up getting a backup bike from one of the staffs to ride home as all the bike shops were closed, so I can come back the next day to get the bike fixed.
Then we ate at Fayne’s Bar & Grill for dinner listening to a beautiful lady singing songs that resonate with our past memories. She ended her last song of the night looking me in the eyes, with my favorite jazz music Blue Bossa and said “This last one is for my friend sitting at the front.”
Then I biked home only to get a neighborhood power outage two seconds after the AC was turned on. “Ahhhh…” the entire street sighed. It was almost mid night and people refused to sleep in the heat. They came out to the street and sat in the breeze of the sea. An hour later, I dozed off on my bed and heard people’s cheering “Woohoo!” as the power went back on. Then two minutes later, the power went out again with a familiar sigh from the whole neighborhood. This went back and forth a few times and I could not remember when the power resumed together with my sound sleep.
The next morning I went back to Guru’s Bar to return the backup bike and fix my broken tire. After knowing that no nearby bike rental shops could fix a flat tire, I pushed my bike and embarked on the slog of a 40-minute walk under the12pm sun to the one and only bike repair shop of the island.
Having experienced bad heat stroke over the past week, I know this is going to be a long journey that could result in another heat stroke. I walked on the seemingly endless road under the scorching sun. The air smelled like heat mixed with gas waste from passing golf carts, motorcycles, and taxis. I was the only person walking a bike on the street.
Half way through my journey, I got into a meditative state where I said to myself: “This is what the ascetic monks did back in the days when they practiced and pursued Buddha in their life.” They walked bare foot for months in the search, slept on the street, fed by donations from locals and accepted whatever came along the way. “I am on my journey to my own Buddha and this is part of it.” I thought as I felt light without the weight of my body again. This out-of-body feeling lasted a few seconds before a small truck stopped by and pulled me back to reality.
“You need help?” A Mexican man asked in Spanish.
“Yes, yes! Please! Thank you!” I exclaimed.
He loaded my bike to his truck and gave me a ride to the bike repair shop. I looked at the map on Google, I was ten minutes walk away from the shop, which means my “few seconds” outside-body experience actually lasted about ten minutes.
The bike was fixed and thank goodness I did not get a heat stroke. Everything seemed surreal prior to my birthday on the road: the fleeting 10-minute walk that lasted only a few seconds in my awareness; the timing of the truck and the kind man who helped me without asking for return; the smooth communication with locals speaking Spanish and me understanding everything through gestures and occasional Google translate…All fated to be part of my journey caused by a flat tire.
Don’t be upset with a flat tire when you still have your feet to keep going. You are unstoppable on YOUR journey and things will always be OKAY.
Entry #9
Happy birthday to me! It has been 31 years since my existence on earth. Today is going to be a good day with a nice yoga class with Lal and friend’s time with David.
Perfect gift sent by the Universe for the birthday girl that exceeded my expectation. If my birthday 2 years ago was the lowest point of my life, everyday since then has been a rise. I came to realize that I have either got friends or family to celebrate my birthday and I have never been alone on this day.
I stopped making birthday wishes two years ago and I think I am going to do things differently this year, to set an intention for what I want to invite for the rest of my human journey. It is going to be about ME. So here I am:
- Be me and find the real me. Discover parts of myself that are hidden and bring them to light so I can understand more about myself.
- Express myself in an authentic way and be clear about my boundaries.
- Save time on romantic entanglement and invest in myself. Manifest my own abundance before inviting another to my world.
- Be the nurturer of this world like I’ve always been.
- Believe that I will be who I was born to be: messenger of truth; artist of life; mother of children; partner of love and light.
Happy birthday again and cheers to 31 years of growth. Celebrate the strong soul of a woman who has been through the darkest time and dug herself out, like a phenix from the ashes soaring to the rainbows of the sky.
Entry #10
Some final thoughts on my last day of this island.
I booked a 2b1b house after seeing the nice pictures, yet ended up getting a small 1b apartment that looks nothing like what I booked on my day of arrival.
Yes people hassle and it’s very common when you go outside the U.S., but I’m glad that I am safe and healthy after my 27 days on this island with good company of my friend, good tempered street dogs, happy neighborhood kids, and party animal neighbors across the street.
My Spanish is as poor as my first day here. But with gestures and Google translate, I was able to communicate on a basic level and got a few laughs through my mimicking of the poorly translated Spanish.
What I’ve experienced here is local people’s kindness and patience to help a stranger when they have an unexpected situation like a flat tire. I was taken good care of by this land and its people. That’s all that I was asking for.
Yet it’s a still messed up world and I understand why hasslers have to keep hassling and me or somebody else has to be hassled, to survive in the system designed by the powered and the rich. I don’t know how much I can help but reality shows me what should be corrected:
- Young boys carrying heavy hand-made bracelets on their tiny shoulders, going into each restaurants and bars trying to make a sell every night.
- Unleashed neighborhood dogs barking and dashing at random passengers and getting beaten up by poorly trained owners.
- Piles of trash layered like a mountain near the south of the island that you can smell from afar.
- Broken glasses, trash, and seaweed on the beach…
I can’t change them all, but I hope I can at least raise awareness of issues. Young kids deserve play time rather than labor after sunset; dogs deserve training and love than abuse; Mother Earth deserves good care than endless consumption…
Then the melancholy of my last day on this island got stirred by tiny beautiful things when I looked outside my front porch. A beautiful sunset painted lavenders to the sky, blowing breezes of salty air to my face. A cute blush blooming roses to a teenager couple’s face, whispering unrevealed love and joy to my curious eyes. A nearby truck playing the sound of tinkering and radio music, telling the life of a hardworking islander to my listener’s soul.
Everything is in peace and harmony despite the issues and imperfections. Living in happiness is making changes to the chaos. And that’s the smallest thing we can do to help create a better world.
Thank you Isla Mujeres! You’ve been a good teacher. Next up, keep learning and journeying.